Comments and Critique?

[h a r e . xxx]

Would you guys be kind enough to read my story that I am working on for my Creative Writing class? It is due on Thursday and is a huge part of our grade and I want to make sure it is good. It is a work in progress but it is nearly complete and has a fully planned storyline and ending. Please e-mail any comments or crits to me ([e-mail]). This story is a total of nearly 7 pages so far and will be exactly 10 by the ending, which is the longest allowed by the rubric.

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Welcome to a land where the animals rule the world, a world before humans began their rise to power. This was a time, shortly after the Great Snow, where wolves, Cave Lions and Sabre-Toothed Tigers were the top predators and the elk and Auroch provided days of food if you could manage to catch them. The grounds were prosperous when Naren and Tartus, before he was imprisoned, were regulating the hunting and setting the basis for our everyday lives.
Then, tragedy struck our kingdom. A central village encampment near the common hollow was wiped out, and every single member of that Camp was eradicated. That was the belief until one survivor, Kaz, had been discovered and told the Council of the Gods who had caused his family’s deaths.
It was Tartus, the serpent god.
Naren, in rage and disappointment at his fellow god and second in command, trapped him in the fire pits of Kandaron, where he would spend two millennia contemplating his pleas for release after the minimum sentence.

It was now the present day, and the kingdom was under the rule of a new family. My name is Royce, and I was the newly appointed king. The families that ruled were cycled. The last king of the Tigers, Theo, had given up the throne to me after a war injury. Theo also happened to be my best friend and advisor, at least now that our roles were flipped.
“Royce, I have grave news to give you. The volcano outside the border, the one that was believed to be dormant, has erupted. It hasn’t erupted in one hundred years.”
“Theo, things like this happen. I don’t find this worrying yet,” I growled, my golden mane falling in front of my coal-black face, hiding the developing white on my muzzle. My canine teeth were bared and gleaming as I thought of what the eruption could possibly mean. It was at that moment that I remembered the story about Tartus being trapped in that exact volcano’s pits.
“Do you think that it could be...” I asked Theo as he looked upon my pacing form.
“Perhaps, Royce. I pray to the gods that it is not him, but even so, it is a possibility, as much as I hate to admit it.”
“Have you any idea what this could mean? Do you not remember the story of how he had wiped out the entire encampment, why he is on that harsh of a punishment?”
“Yes, I am fully aware of the story.”

Several weeks later, many of the events with the volcano had calmed down. This had allowed for the introduction of my own family to the kingdom and my securing of the throne. My mate Mylah and I were growing more well liked as the weeks went on.
“Royce, do you really believe that Tartus could be returning?” Mylah asked me during the morning patrol.
“I’m not sure at this point. But believe me on this, Mylah, if he does indeed return, he will be terminated by the other gods for escaping.” I replied, praying that it was the truth.
“You are afraid.”
“Since when was it a bad thing to be concerned about things?”
“You just need to be careful about making your fears too obvious. It will throw the kingdom into discord.”
“I promise that this will not turn into your old homeland.”
My mate had come from a kingdom some days south of my own. Their last true leader had been assassinated and the kingdom was tossed into anarchy, forcing her to leave and beg Theo for mercy, which he was more than glad to give to her. Several years later, she had become my mate, and most recently the queen.
“I only pray so.”
The sky became dramatically darker within the blinking of an eye and a tremendous roar could be heard. It was a terrifying sound that caused Mylah and Theo to cringe, and myself to look toward the volcano as a massive form was visibly being shaped in the smoke. It was a dragon, Tartus, beginning to break away from his prison.
“It sure is bizarre that this is happening not long after you took reign, isn’t it?” a voice sneered from behind us.
I turned to the voice and saw two lean spotted felines standing behind us. Mylah’s ears flattened as she recognized them.
“Sartus, Zahari, what are you doing here? Finally tired of being in the Hellhole that you two created in Askaba?” she growled uncomfortably, her tail lashing like a whip.
“Well, well, would have thought you would have been more hospitable to old friends. I suppose this land has made you forget that you were once our friends.” Zahari answered cooly.
Sartus nodded and added “We are only passing through. No need to feel threatened. Unless you are intent on not having any assistance. “
Mylah glared at them one last time and asked “What kind of assistance?”
“Helping to fend off Tartus. We too have had our fair share of angry archgods. We may be able to...appease him.”
Turning to me, she begged not to let them stay, that they were lying about the experiences.
Foolishly, I allowed them to take shelter.

“Now, doesn’t it seem like you have been bothered less with Tartus since we helped you?”
“Surprisingly it does. Thank you both.” I replied humbly.
“It was our pleasure. We must be going on now, since we have stayed longer than we had asked of you and your court.”
I looked out of the pillars at the once again seemingly dormant volcano, which only a month prior was furiously spewing smoke and ash.
As the two of them left, Mylah was looking visibly more relaxed than she had since Sartus and Zahari arrived. I heard her sigh with relief and walk out of the courtyard and into the commons to check the villagers.
That night, lightning cracked in the sky and pain seared through me as my attackers took turns striking at me. I fought ferociously after I had learned that they were not one being, but two slightly smaller ones.
As one of them pinned me down, the other put a shockingly heavy paw on my throat and hissed mockingly, “Long live King Royce. Long live Queen Mylah. Long live Reuse.”
It was then that I surged upward and pinned down the one that had been clawing at my throat, recognizing the voice.
“I gave you shelter and food! Now you will pay for your treason with your life!” I roared as I went down on Zahari.
I slowly began to tear her apart, bit by bit, making the pain last as long as I possibly could. I could hear her screeching for mercy and forgiveness, but the more violent and irrational side of me had taken over. Piece by piece, the spotted assassin was being ripped apart. Her blood was pooling out around the entire courtyard, endlessly flooding out from the dismemberment. Soon enough, her paws were gone, torn off from the extent of the wounds. Her screams of agony increased as the ligaments in her limbs were being weakened by her thrashing, and four quick bites removed them.
“Please, stop! I am going to be dead anyways!” she yelped as my claws tore at her soft underbelly, causing her to bleed out even further. The gore that resulted had been enough to have Sartus cowering and begging for mercy. Soon enough I had torn her spine and eventually beheaded her.
“You’re next,” I growled at Sartus, but I stopped when I saw the feline run away, a trail of smoke following him. He had been possessed, as had Zahari, to a lesser degree.
I had won. For now.

I found myself face-to-face with a massive serpent, larger than anything mortally possible.
“Y-you are Tartus!” I gasped in horror. The serpent had no skin on his face, only a skull.
“Yes, and you are not the rightful holder of the throne. Sartus is.”
“Not on your life, you bastard.”
“What about the innocent life that you had taken yesterday. Her entrails are still visible. She was not of her own mind; I had possessed her.”
“It would not have mattered. She would have done it no matter what.”
“Well, I am about to send my minion again. And this time he will win.”
“Do not bet on it. I have beat him already.”
“No. It will be myself.”
Now, with that, he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Days later, I had defeated Sartus and taken his life. My kingdom was virtually safe. At least that was what I had thought.
Tartus had indeed kept his word and shown up. Lightning struck from the heavens and fire was spreading like a plague.

[nightlock]

I love it, very good.

[Kenya]

Its very well done! ;D